The Parody: The Senshi Loose Their Minds
by Leftomaniac
Summary: Ami's screaming nonsense, Rini's fighting imaginary monsters, and Michuru looks like Richard Nixon! See what happens when CryingChild takes on Sailor Moon!
1. Top Half

Hello, people! I doubt there's anyone here who recognizes me from the IZ forum, so allow me to introduce myself as CryingChild, the Firefly of Death! ...You can thank White Wave Dancer for that nickname. This is my first and last fic in the Sailor Moon forum, and I hope you enjoy it. Basically, everyone goes crazy. *Crickets chirp* ...That's about it. There's something like a plot to hold it all together, but really... No own.  
  
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On the bubbling, white-hot surface of the sun, an atom crackled and split, flinging a beam of light across the cosmos. It exploded past Mercury and Venus then entered Earth's atmosphere finally coming to rest on the tired face of Ami. It glistened over the surface of her glasses as she sat in her bedroom, a stack of papers in front of her. She leaned back catlike and stretched until her arms gave out two satisfying pops. Ami had stayed up all last night studying, which was unusual for her. She valued a good night's sleep very much, and tried to get one whenever soul-sucking demons didn't throw off her schedule. But somehow, after the seven cups of coffee, the six-pack of Jolt Cola, and the economy sized package of No-Doze, she didn't much feel like sleeping.   
  
Ami stretched again and yawned. "I wonder what kind of pudding the raunchy horse has today?" she mused.  
  
She shook her head. Something was wrong with the sentence she had just uttered. Very wrong. In her usual state of mind she would have immediately picked up on the fact that it made no %&*@ing sense, but the combination of the lack of sleep and the sugar high made her see things in a different light. She really DID want to know what kind of pudding the raunchy horse had today! She NEEDED to know! Why, the fate of all the demon monkey babies in Peru could be at stake!  
  
"Fear not, ye drooling monkeys!" she declared, "Sailor Mercury will save you!"  
  
With that, she transformed and leapt headfirst out the window. She hit the ground running, though where she was running TO was unknown. As she zipped past Shitaki Park, Rini turned just in time to catch an uncertain glimpse of her.  
  
"That... looked like Sailor Mercury..." she muttered. "No, couldn't be. Sailor Mercury would never say something like 'Broccoli soldiers have invaded my pants.'" She turned and ran to catch up with Chibi Chibi. "You know..." Rini began, "It's odd how much time has passed since the Black Moon attacked. It's been months!"  
  
"Uh-HUH!" Chibi Chibi nodded happily.  
  
Rini frowned. "Well, I don't like it. How am I supposed to continue training if there's no evil people to train against?" Chibi Chibi shrugged. "Wait a minute!" Rini cried, her eyes taking on a strange gleam, "What's that over there?" She pointed at a nearby cluster of buildings where nothing unusual was happening. "That giant grain of rice will destroy us all!" she screamed.  
  
Chibi Chibi stared at the buildings. Then at Rini. Then at the buildings again. Rini, meanwhile, transformed and ran off in a seemingly random direction. Chibi Chibi tried to follow her, but soon lost her in the enormous crowd. Frantically, she turned and ran down the street in the direction of the Outer Senshi's shared apartment.  
  
* * *  
  
At said apartment, everyone was enjoying a relatively peaceful morning. They were all engaged in typical morning activities; Haruka was working on a crossword puzzle, Michuru was quietly brushing her hair, Hotaru was enjoying her daily bowl of Chunky Breakfast Chunks, and Setsuna had fallen asleep in her oatmeal.   
  
Hotaru glanced across the table. "Is Setsuna okay?" she asked worriedly.  
  
"I don't know," Michuru replied, "Can she breathe oatmeal?"  
  
"Shh!" murmured Haruka, "I've almost got this..." She paused. "What's an eleven letter word for 'Geek?'"  
  
"CryingChild." Michuru replied without hesitation.   
  
Hotaru continued to stare at Setsuna. A bubble rose out of the oatmeal and popped.  
  
Suddenly, Chibi Chibi burst through the door. "Rini's gone, Rini's gone!" she cried.  
  
"What?" gasped Hotaru, "Where'd she go?"  
  
"Rini's gone, Rini's gone!" cried Chibi Chibi.  
  
"But what happened to her?" Haruka asked.  
  
"Rini's gone, Ri-  
  
(Seven hours later)  
  
"So..." Michuru began, "Rini was talking about how long it's been since the last attack, and then she began seeing monsters that weren't there?"  
  
Chibi Chibi nodded. A bubble rose out of Setsuna's oatmeal and popped.  
  
"I've heard of this..." said Haruka, "It's a rare affliction that only affects superheroes. Once they get in the routine of fighting evil by moonlight, or whatever, some superheroes become addicted. When too much time passes without an evil force attacking, they go into a kind of withdrawal known as Osit Syndrome."  
  
Michuru frowned. "Did you just say it was called 'Oh shi-'"  
  
"NO." Haruka responded. "It was named after Haki Osit, the doctor who discovered it, OKAY?"  
  
"Well..." Hotaru chirped, "Chibi Chibi said that Rini's now Sailor Chibi-Moon, right Chibi Chibi?" Chibi Chibi nodded.  
  
"Wait," said Haruka, "I thought she was Eternal Sailor Chibi-Moon now!"  
  
"Gee..." Hotaru replied, "I can't remember if she's Sailor Chibi-Moon or Eternal Sailor Chibi-Moon. What do you think, Chibi Chibi?"  
  
"STOP SAYING 'CHIBI,' DAMMIT!!!" Michuru suddenly screamed, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!" She stood, pulled out huge chunks of her hair, and then leapt screaming out the window, landing in a conveniently placed swimming pool with a mighty splash. Chibi Chibi ran to the window.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Hotaru, "We chibi'd her to death!" she ran to join Chibi Chibi at the window.  
  
"Chibi'd to death! Chibi'd to death!" Chibi Chibi agreed, hopping up and down urgently.  
  
"She's FINE." said Haruka reassuringly, "She's a Sailor Senshi, she can handle a one story fall cushioned by a pool."  
  
"But the pool is full of piranha!" Cried Hotaru.  
  
"That's not the point!" Haruka maintained, not once wondering how piranha got in the pool. "She's fought countless evil powers! She's helped save the universe! A FEW PIRANHA WON'T KILL HER!"  
  
"No," Hotaru agreed. "but they sure are eating her face off."  
  
Haruka rolled her eyes and walked over to the window. "Oh they are n- YAAAAAA!" she leaned over and cupped her hands around her mouth. "Maybe we should just be friends!" she called. A bubble rose out of Setsuna's oatmeal and popped.  
  
One fun-filled trip to the emergency room later, Haruka, Hotaru and Chibi Chibi were sitting in the waiting room, Haruka comforting Hotaru and Chibi Chibi reading magazines. After a while, Dr. Kobayashi-Maru strode in. The three looked up expectantly.  
  
"Well..." Dr. Maru said solemnly, "She needed a lot of surgery. She lost a lot of blood but we found most of it. It looks like she's going to be okay."  
  
Hotaru instantly brightened but Haruka still seemed concerned. "What about her face, doctor? Were you able to restore it?"   
  
Dr. Maru smiled. "We have our best plastic surgeons working on her now." Haruka smiled. "However," continued Dr. Maru, "She may look like Richard Nixon." Haruka was stunned. "You'll be able to see her in a few hours." Dr. Maru finished cheerily, spinning on one heel and walking out of the waiting room.  
  
"Wait!" Haruka shouted after him, "But-! The-! She-! I-! ...Who the hell is Richard Nixon!?!" A novelty oversized sweatdrop dripped down her forehead and she collapsed in a chair. Moaning, she turned to Hotaru. Her eyes were glued to the TV affixed to the ceiling, on which a pretty reporter stood in front of a mangled office building. "This is Mika Fandango, coming to you live." she said.  
  
(White Wave Dancer: Give it up, CC, you're no good at making up Japanese names.  
  
CryingChild: Hey! Get out of my author's notes! This ain't no 'History of the World'!)  
  
The three Senshi watched the screen with rapt attention. "I'm here at Shitaki Plaza where Sailor Chibi-Moon has either gone insane or is fighting a giant invisible grain of rice." Mika continued. "Experts aren't sure which. Either way, we're all hoping some other Senshi will appear to shed some light on-"  
  
"Hey!" cried someone in the background, "There's Sailor Mercury!"   
  
The news camera panned over to him. "Where?" asked Mika.  
  
"Over there!" the man pointed, "Yelling at that tree!"  
  
The camera swiveled in the direction the man had indicated. A crazed Sailor Mercury appeared onscreen as a swarm of fans crowded around her.   
  
"Oh, Sailor Mercury! Can I have your autograph?"  
  
"I think you're the coolest Senshi of all!"  
  
"Sailor Mercury! Sailor Mercury! Your hair is so cool! Where do you get it done?"  
  
Mercury stared at the fan in front of her. Then she jumped on her shoulders and started chewing on her head. "AAAAAAA!" the fan screamed.  
  
"Cheese rollers, Cheese rollers! Weasels and cream! Dare you deny the power of Pine-Sol?!" Mercury screamed, her mouth full of hair. The other fans shrieked, the crowd dispersed and chaos ensued.   
  
The camera panned back to Mika "Well," she said, "there you have it, the Sailor Senshi have gone berserk." a cruel smile played on her lips and a black, downward-pointing crescent moon appeared o her forehead. "If you see any Sailor Senshi, consider them dangerous and-"  
  
Haruka turned off the television. "This may be serious," she said hesitantly, "the other Senshi may need our help."  
  
"I'm not leaving Michuru-Mama!" Hotaru cried.  
  
"I can't leave her either." Haruka admitted, unearthing Chibi Chibi from a mountain of National Geographics. "We'll just have to hope the others can take care of themselves."  
  
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Chapter 2 will come as soon as I clear the gunk out of my brain. 


	2. Back Half

Meanwhile, at the Sendai Hill Shrine, Lita was standing outside, using her most coaxing tone of voice. "But Rei, I'm your friend!" she pleaded. A vase went flying through the air, whacking her in the head.  
  
"No!" came Rei's hysterical voice from inside, "You're out to get me! I know it! Everyone without huge, fake mustaches is out to get me!" Another vase was hurled at Lita, who ducked this time.  
  
Crouching behind a shrub, Lita reached into her pocket and pulled out a fake mustache she kept there for emergencies. She put it on and carefully poked her head inside the shrine. There stood Rei, wild-eyed, holding an incense burner over her head, ready to throw.  
  
"Come on Rei..." Lita said coaxingly, "Give me the incense burner..."  
  
(White Wave Dancer: You just put that in there to annoy me, didn't you?  
  
CryingChild: Yes. Yes I did. Now stop interrupting the fic!  
  
White Wave Dancer: NEVER!)  
  
Rei peered at Lita suspiciously. After much consideration, she decided that Lita's mustache was huge enough and fake enough to grant her entry. Slowly, she lowered the burner. A look of calm came onto her face and she sat down. She was every bit her normal self now, and anyone walking in now would notice nothing unusual. (Except Lita's mustache, of course.)  
  
"Now," Rei began, "what seems to be the trouble?"  
  
Lita looked at her, bewildered. She walked over to Rei, licked her thumb and rubbed it on her forehead.  
  
"Hey!" Rei's face scrunched up. "What's this all about?"  
  
"I thought you might be covering a Black Moon emblem with foundation. Listen, something is very wrong here. Some of the- " she coughed, "OTHER Senshi are acting very strange. And there's an angry mob following me."  
  
"An angry mob? Are you sure they don't just want an autograph?"  
  
"Not unless they expect me to sign it with torches and pitchforks."  
  
"Hmm..." Rei turned away and looked contemplative. "Tell me, Lita... were any of them wearing huge, fake mustaches?"  
  
Lita paused long enough to allow her brain to leap out of her ear and run away. "No... not that I know of."  
  
"Ah-HA!" the former crazed look crept into Rei's eyes. Lita cringed. "I knew it! They're all in it together! All of them! Even the Black Moon! No one in the Black Moon wears huge, fake mustaches! Well, except that one guy, but... I knew it!" She grabbed Lita by the shoulders. "Lita, right now you're the only man I can trust!"  
  
"What?! Man?! I mean uh... because of the mustache?"  
  
"Yes! Listen, we've got to stop them! Let's go!" she started out the door.  
  
"Wait! Where are we going?"  
  
"To stop them! Haven't you been listening?" she ran.  
  
"Stop who? What? Stop! Wait! Wear a sweater! Look both ways before crossing the streeeeeeeeeeeeet!" Panting, she ran after Rei.  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile meanwhile, there was... Wait, what Senshi am I up to? Oh yeah, Bunny. So, Bunny was walking to the house of her boyfriend, Chibaba Mamu, and...  
  
(Wave: Whoa! WHOA! You forgot his name again, didn't you?  
  
CC: No I didn't! It's Chibi Mamamu!  
  
Wave: Chiba Mamoru!  
  
CC: Chica Mommy-moo!  
  
Wave: CHIBA MAMORU!  
  
CC: Chibi Mamories!  
  
Wave: THAT MEANS SMALL BREASTS!!!  
  
CC: Whoa, suddenly it's the Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle!  
  
Wave: And what did I tell you about obscure references!?!  
  
CC: Use them as often as possible?  
  
Wave: Oh yeah. Carry on...)  
  
So anyway, Bunny was walking over to DARIAN'S house, when she was visited by the insanity fairy, and-  
  
(Wave: Okay, that does it. I mean, "Insanity Fairy?!" Can you say "Plot Contrivance?" I knew you could.  
  
CC: For the last time, stop interrupting my fic! *Sobs* This is my first Sailor Moon fic and you're RUINING it!   
  
Wave: Not until you find a less-stupid premise for Bunny to go insane on.  
  
CC: Fine!)  
  
"Oh, pretty!" Bunny said, gazing upwards at the piano being lifted over her head.   
  
(Wave: I hate you.)  
  
"Gee, Billy-Bob, it surrre is a nice day to be liftin' this piano up to the tenth floor using a flimsy piece of twine!"  
  
"I agree, Willy-Bob!"  
  
(Wave: ...And what kind of Japanese names are those?!?!)  
  
"Say, watch out, Billy-Bob-San, there appears to be someone walking beneath our piano!"  
  
"You don't say?" Billy-Bob-San looked down at Bunny. From his angle, he was able to see directly down her shirt, and Billy-Bob-San's brain was awash with hormones. His palms began to sweat, and the rope slipped out of his hand. The grand piano fell ten stories onto Bunny, who, being animated, was not killed.  
  
Darian, who'd witnessed the spectacle from his house ran up to Bunny, lying semi-conscious on the sidewalk.  
  
"Buns! Are you okay?" He asked, panicked.  
  
"Ooh, such pretty colors." Bunny said. Darien relaxed a little, being used to that sort of thing coming out of Bunny's mouth.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked, still a little worried. "Can I get you anything?"  
  
Bunny looked at him oddly for a minute. "Maybe some anchovies and syrup." She said, "And don't skimp, I'm eating for two now!"  
  
Darien's eyes bugged out. "What?! Are you sick or something?"  
  
"I'm not sick, silly, I'm pregnant! Silly Darien!"  
  
"But... you're not supposed to be pregnant for another thousand years!"  
  
"Silly, silly Darien!"  
  
"Buns, you simply CAN'T be pregnant with our baby yet!"  
  
"Oh, silly Darien, it's not YOUR baby!"  
  
"WHAT!??!"  
  
(Wave: So Bunny thinks she's pregnant? Geez, you really are running out of ideas.  
  
CC: SILENCE!)  
  
Meanwhile, Michuru was just regaining consciousness in the hospital. Haruka, Hotaru and Chibi Chibi were walking into her room, just as her eyes opened. The first thing she saw was Haruka's face, and it cheered her to know that Haruka had been by her side. However, something was dreadfully wrong with Haruka's expression. It registered... shock. And a hint of nausea. What could possibly be wrong?  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"NOTHING! Nothing. You look good, GOOD. Whoo boy, totally normal-looking, that's you!"  
  
Then the world exploded. The end.  
  
(White Wave Dancer: You're just ending it now?! Like THAT!? What about Rei going after-  
  
CryingChild: Blown up.  
  
White Wave Dancer: What about Mercur-  
  
CryingChild: Blown up. So was Richard Nixon/Michuru.  
  
White Wave Dancer: Why!?  
  
CryingChild: Wave, I started this parody to make you laugh. I finished it so that it could FINALLY END THE BORING HELL IT'S PUT ME THROUGH. I've taken care of both now. And now I'm off to fight crime. Skiya!) 


End file.
